Fear

I try my best to write my experience tonight. Because tomorrow I may not have the same feeling as I feel now. Tomorrow is my surgery day.

I have been hospitalized twice as far as I remember. Once when I diagnosed to have Dengue Fever and once when I got accident. But this time is different. I don’t have a choice back then, but now I have a choice not to take it, but I choose to be hospitalized. More over, I choose to take my surgery.

I start to feel fear in the deep of my heart. Fear usually come when we do something wrong, moreover when we do it intentionally. So it also happen to me. Just after I had agreed to my doctor that she would operate on me, 5 minutes later I felt that I’d made wrong decision. How if something happen? I actually can choose not to take it, but I take it. How stupid I am. But it’s too late…

Then the fear continue growing up, because it’s like pandemic and it can born another fear.

Now I fear about anesthetic… . I remember a movie ‘Awake’, which I don’t really hope will happened to me tomorrow. I afraid that the sedative drug dosage is not enough to make me unconscious during surgery. I afraid that the anesthetic doctor who work on me tomorrow isn’t good enough and can’t me me fully sleep. All of those thinks come into my head and make me imagine the worst case. I will be operated awake…

I also fear for loneliness… . Because tomorrow I will be hospitalized alone, no families, no relatives, just me (and my insurance).  How if something happened. Who will take care of me?

Then I fear of loss… . I almost feel John Locke feeling in Lost when he lose his kidney. It not the matter how big is the loss, but the matter is the loss itself. It like you have something taken from you and you know that you can actually prevent it bu you didn’t. What I’ll lose tomorrow is no more than a half kilogram of my body, but I afraid that someday in the future I will be sorry for that.

Now with all of those fears fill up my head, I pretty sure I am depressed…

May be it’s not a good story to be shared, but it is a good story to be remembered. I never feel this kind of fear before…

Tomorrow is my tooth surgery day.

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